... but today, ordinary isn't enough.

11 November, 2010

Where to start:

Lewis Carroll once wrote a popular novel titled Through the Looking Glass.  That's all I can think about during these past few days.  I've plowed through the looking glass, to a place where I look the same on the outside, but I am by no means the same on the inside.  There has been a shift somewhere far deeper than organs and bones;  the part of my brain that makes me myself is trying to escape and leave me a cold shell.  I'm fighting to keep my identity near me, but it's like holding onto a struggling moth.

These past few days, I've forgotten how to be me.  Suddenly, I'm dating my much older manager and letting him (wanting him to!) do things that don't.... necessarily... bring me closer to God.  I'm still a virgin, but only barely.  And it's been three days.  How long before my willpower wears thin and snaps?

Not to mention, I have no clue if what we're doing is against the rules or not.  A tiny part of me hopes it is, because I have no clue how to get back to normal with him.  I am afraid to be myself.  And I'm afraid to say no.  And the games we play, well, they're fun, but they're unusual.

On the bright side, I'm at 125.  It's so strange to say that.  I said I'd stop here, but... why should I?  I feel like, when I eat more than one meal a day, people can SEE it on me, like I'm less extraordinary and superhuman with every bite I take.  I LOVE seeing bones where I didn't know bones existed.  And the other day, a lady at work wrapped her hands around my waist and said, "You're disappearing."  Oh, yes.

Pictures to come when... I hit 120.  :)

Love from E

01 November, 2010

Confession:

It's been a rough week for my diet.  I was doing so well (my friend told me if I lost any more weight, I'd look like a Bratz doll, and my size four pants have been hanging off of my hipbones), when my step-grandma died.  I am not experiencing exceptional emotional distress, but being around my family 24/7 is hard on me.  Not only is my mom observant of my eating habits, but when I'm with my 11-and-7-y.o. sisters, I am terrified of projecting a negative image about myself. My 11-year-old sister calls me skinny all of the time, and I'd hate for her to connect that with the fact that I eat less than she does.  Tomorrow, I'm starting a new, shiny, strict diet, and I intend to look fierce by December.

Must go wash my hair/paint my nails/do some laundry.

28 October, 2010

Thinspo Thursday:

Enclosed are some pictures of my face/fashion doppelganger, Rumi Neely.  Enjoy:






I love wearing lots of oversized layers on top, with slim fitting bottoms.  And several people have told me I look like her.  I would die if I could make my outfits look as effortlessly cool.

That's all.  Hope someone finds these useful!

27 October, 2010

Have some pictures. I know I'm a baby cow. Please don't tell me so.


As you can see, I'm pretty nervous about showing my lard to the non-audience.  Well, maybe the embarrassment will motivate me to stop eating PANCAKES, for the love of all that matters.

Here.  Be kind.  Actually, don't be kind.  Be ruthless.  I need someone to tell me what those close to me won't.  Tear me apart.


I don't even have words.  

26 October, 2010

Beauty tip of the week:

There is often quite a bit of time between when I put on my makeup and when I get home.  I hate when my eye makeup feels the need to travel downward, or when my face makeup fades unevenly, leaving a cake-y texture.  There are a few steps I take to promote the longevity of my makeup:

1.  Always moisturize before foundation.  Not only is a good moisturizer the key to healthy skin, but moisturizer prevents foundation from looking blotchy or mask-like.  I'm a big fan of SPF as well, and Olay has some great daily moisturizers with SPF.  My favorite is this one.

2.  Invest in an eye primer if you intend to wear eye shadows.  I am a recent eye primer convert, but I wish I'd tried it earlier.  One swipe of this bad boy absorbs freakishly fast and is the difference between having to freshen up after about the 8-hour mark and not worrying about anything, even after a 16-hour day.

3. A little maintenance keeps you from looking sad, as well.  I keep blotting papers and an Evian facial water spray with me if I plan on being out for any amount of time.  The blotting papers combat t-zone shine, and the spritzer refreshes my makeup like nothing else.  If I'm stuck somewhere without blotting papers, I grab a toilet seat cover [not the front one, mind you!  EW.], tear off a piece, and blot away.  2-ply toilet paper split to one ply also works in a pinch.

These tips keep me fresh on those days that start at 7:30 and end around midnight, and keep me from having to obsess over reapplying my makeup.  Enjoy!

24 October, 2010

Sunday Confessions:

First and foremost:  The person who loved me the most was my grandmother.  I lived with her off and on until she died in 08.  I found myself deeply [DEEPLY] depressed for about 6 months [of course], and I clung irrationally to her things.  Everything we parted with felt like we were pushing her from right on the other side of this life to further and further away, like we were throwing away pieces of a broken vessel that would never again be whole, but still had most of its bits.  After a bit of non-soul searching [a camping trip with my then-boyfriend in the wilderness with tons of food, pot, and alcohol that resulted in a vivid dream in which my grandma told me, "I still love you, even though I am not here," and quoted Do You Realize??? by the Flaming Lips], I was able to not see her death as the single most defining tragedy in my life, and living my own life without archiving every fragment of hers.  However, there are still things that I can't give away:  two blouses she wore often and her glasses are still in my home, packed away.  I've never stumbled across the clothing of any dead relatives in the homes of my friends and family, but I don't know how to not keep them.  To get rid of them would make me unhappy, so to me they are worth keeping.
I want nachos.
Effing PMS.
Effing nachos.
Everything nacho-related is closed for the evening.
The hunger monster is once again thwarted.

Here, hunger monster.  Have a string cheese.  :)

23 October, 2010

In a word: Productive.

Today, I walked a 5k marathon for work with a couple of friends.  I enjoyed the opportunity to make a good impression with the district manager, burn some calories, and gain energy for the day.  My legs always seem to be in some sort of  pain, but I felt my body loosening up and responding well to the little bit of exercise in spite of itself.  The only downside was R, a coworker.  He has a deep need for attention that distracts and frustrates me.  Oh, and I ate 5 cherry tomatoes, one banana, one tangerine, and FIVE mini cheeseburgers.  Lard.

I devoted the afternoon to making a dent in my pig sty of a house.  I finished more than I'd ever anticipated I could do in 47 minutes.  Off to work to make lots of money [hopefully?]

[I know these posts are uninteresting.  On Sunday, my blog will be going in a new direction.  The un-audience can look forward to experiencing the things I've been brainstorming.]

22 October, 2010

This has proven to be difficult:

13 pounds lost.  11 pounds regained.  Dammit.  This gaining and losing is apparently bad for my skin's elasticity.  I need to shit or get off the pot.  And I also need to watch my cussing.  It's unbecoming, or something.

This is my first non-Pill PMS in 4 months.  I'm scared.  I already threw a half-empty diet coke bottle at the ex-bf's temple and told him to wreck his car and die.  I just need to get through this week so I can have Sunday afternoon and evening completely, blissfully, to myself.  Just two more, complete days of work to suffer through, to spend feeling inadequate and anxious.  Which reminds me:  I don't remember feeling so on the verge of an anxiety attack pre-Pill.  Holy cow I need to see a real GP, not the lovely ladies from Planned Parenthood.

I ate too much to share, and I did the same thing for the week and a half before today.  Why do you think I haven't been able to show my face here?  Now, I'm downing a Lipton diet green tea and fighting sleep for another few minutes.

My boss, who I thought had feelings for me, apparently did not.  I am unfazed.  This is God's will.  That grown man had no excuse for the things he said to me or the way he followed me around.  [Which reminds me:  am I the only person on the internets with an ED as well as a personal relationship with Jesus?  I attend church VERY regularly and read my bible/pray often.]

Next week, I promise to be more present.  To share more with the non-audience:  about beauty, fashion, thinspo, and life.  Tonight, I must sleep.

08 October, 2010

Day in Review: October 8th, 2010

Let's talk about food first:
For breakfast, my brother woke me with a call saying he was going to McDonald's before he came over and did I want anything while he was there?  A McGriddle [one of my all-time favorite fast food options; I probably won't be eating many of those with my new mindset], or some hash browns?  Even in my half awake stupor, I knew better:

One side salad with low fat vinaigrette- 15 calories for the salad + 40 calories for the dressing [so worth it: the dressings are delicious]
One snack sized fruit and yogurt parfait- 160 calories [hm.  maybe not the best choice, especially since it wasn't that tasty, either.  I'm going to rationalize and say that I needed the energy]

I got ready for work and returned a lip gloss because it was hideous.  On my way to work, I enjoyed a pack of almonds covered in salt and vinegar [250 calories, whew].

For dinner, I ate a skewer of grilled shrimp and a fifth of a biscuit [The biscuit piece was about 30 calories and the shrimp were about 85 calories].

My opportunities to do better lie in the almonds.  I could eat 2/3-1/2 of the packet for lunch, paired with maybe a glass of milk [calcium is lacking in my diet], then eat the other half over a salad or vegetables.

Anyway.  I worked for about 6 hours and spent the whole time walking quickly.  After work, I went to the grocery store and stocked my bare kitchen with some hunger-busting, wallet friendly foods.  For when the urge to binge hits, I have rice cakes, low fat flavorings, bananas, nectarines, mandarin oranges, and pickles.  I also grabbed wheat bread and peanut butter for breakfasts.  For now, this is easy.  Imagine how much easier it will be when the weight begins to melt off.

06 October, 2010

Stolen quotes are always... quotier?

Here are a few of my favorite quotes [for today, at least; when it comes to things like this, I can be so fickle!]:

An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist – but ordinary’s just not good enough today.


I will gasp with the breathlessness of being airborne.


Every time I have the opportunity to eat, I have the strength to refuse.

Here I am, once again.

Somehow, I always return to the cold thought processes of Pro-Ana.  It's the complete opposite of conventional comfort; there is no warm and fuzzy to be found in excessive amounts of water, analyzing every morsel of food within a 2 mile radius and thinking about every action in relation to how it will affect my waist size.  And yet, once the desire to be thinner is met with the motivation to get me to my UGW, I feel more thoroughly myself than I do at most any other time.  I feel more confident, more powerful.  I've been mentally probing around my own head, trying to remember how to get back here.  As it turns out, the best method is an Alice approach: you stumble in when you least expect it.

Height:  5'9"
HW: 152
LW:  134
CW: 137
GW1: 134

UGW:  125