Remember these when you want carbs/chocolate/butter:

Reasons to win this battle, and the next, and the next:

1.  So you won't have to start again on Monday.
2.  So that your thighs don't make you cringe every time you take a step.
3.  So that shopping can be as thoroughly fun as it deserves to be.
4.  So that you can stop putting, "Lose weight," at the top of your New Year's resolution list.
5.  So you can bask in the accomplishment of finishing what you started.
6.  So you're all poise, grace, and careless beauty.
7.  So you can stop envying ballerinas.
8.  So you don't feel like everyone's disgusted by your thighs in denim shorts.
9.  So you aren't hurt when people teasingly call you fat.
10. So you can finally buy the types of clothes you used to wait for.
11. So baggy tops and sweaters look cute, not like you're trying to cover your fat.
12. So you can stop feeling that feeling you feel when you tell yourself how cute an outfit will look once you get thin.
13. So when you look in the mirror and cry, it's because you finally did it, not because you're ashamed.
14. So you can feel sexy no matter what you're wearing.
15. So you can forfeit ownership of the thunderthighs.

New reasons to get off my 145lb derriere and lose the weight:

1.  To make my boyfriend's ex-wife (more) jealous:
I am not a bitter person.  I mean, I try not to be.  However, everything about my boyfriend's ex is superficial, artificial, and malice-filled.  I genuinely tried to like her and give her the benefit of the doubt about the awful things my boyfriend said to her (after all, there are two sides to every story) .  Over time, though, she has proved to be everything my boyfriend had described and more.  She calls him drunk in the middle of the night, even though she's engaged (to the man she left him for), she always answers the door in barely anything when he comes to pick up their daughter, and she speaks ill of me to him.  She has her attractive qualities.  Unfortunately for her, all of those qualities are manufactured.  Her poor skin is hidden by layers of makeup.  Her bland hazel eyes are masked with colored contacts.  Her hair is the product of 300 dollars every 2 months. The one thing she can't hide are the big dinners she's been scarfing with the fiancee.  Oh, and the fact that she's an idiot.  Anyway, this week the bitch got salmonella and lost 12 pounds, so I have some catching up to do.

2.  So the only thing I have to worry about when it comes to shopping is the price:
My boyfriend doesn't get why I'm not happy when he takes me to the mall once a month and offers me every pretty thing I look at.  If you deal with what I deal with, you do.  There is no joy in allowing my wonderful boyfriend to buy me a beautiful top or dress that will showcase dumpy thighs and a doughy tummy.

My first goal is to get back to 137.  From there, I'll keep going.

Love.

Cleaning out my tips file, too:

THE TIPS YOU'LL FIND ANYWHERE:

• Eat lots of fiber.
• Use smaller plates. (It makes you feel like you're eating bigger portions.  You are so easy to trick!)
• Exercise.
• Eat more slowly.  (Give your body time to register what you're eating.)
• Increase your veggie intake.
• Keep track of what you're eating in a food journal.  (You may be surprised!)
• Drink 64-80 ounces of water a day.
• Get as much sleep as you need (7-10 hours) to function.  (When you're sleep deprived, you're less likely to make the best dietary decisions.)
• Take your vitamins.  (Sometimes, cravings are your body's way of telling you that you need a certain vitamin or mineral.)
• Eat spicy foods and watermelon to boost your metabolism.

BUST EMOTIONAL EATING:

• De-stress
• Bubble Baths really work for me.  Exercise is a popular way to relieve stress.  Blow bubbles, pet a puppy, do something nice.  Meditate.
• Take a moment before you eat to decide how you feel.  Is there anything besides food that would ease your discomfort?
• Fight boredom.  Make a list of things to do when there's nothing to do.  Get creative!
• Keep comfort foods to a minimum.  Everyone has days when a big cheesy bowl of pasta sounds good.  If you don't keep those foods on hand, you are more likely to settle for, say, an apple.  :)
• Don't restrict too much throughout the day if you have a tendency to binge when the sun goes down.  We all have limits, especially when we first start.  I'd much prefer to start my day with egg whites, eat a tiny lunch, and a tiny snack at dinnertime than skip breakfast and lunch and eat a whole pizza late at night.
• Keep healthy snacks on hand that satisfy your cravings.  Love sweets?  Fill your cabinets with fruit cups, low fat yogurt, ice pops.  Love salty?  Stock up on veggies, hummus, low fat pretzels.  And when you do need your fix (PMS, anyone?), take the time to measure your portions into separate containers, then put the original package away!

QUICK WAYS TO MAXIMIZE YOUR WEIGHT LOSS:

• Brush your teeth as soon as you're done eating.  That minty feeling will be a big help when you want to avoid snacking in a few minutes.
• Slice your food.
• Hang out with fellow dainty eaters.  
• Suck in your stomach and watch your posture.  It really makes a difference in how you look and how tight your abs get over time!
• Turn the heat down just a tad. 
• Move while you're on the phone.  I got a bluetooth just for when my mom or friends call so that I can walk around, scrub something, do squats.  
• If you are eating something like pizza or french fries, blot the grease off.  Pick it apart.  Eat only the best bits.

Cleaning out my thinspo file:

Right now, I'm just trying to keep the thinspiration on my computer to a minimum.  It's the difference between someone finding out and going, "Weird," and someone going all LIfetime-original-series on my ass.  

Here are some of my favorite word-based thinspirations.  I love them all, but the top one is one of my favorites.  If I still lived alone, I'd get the last one printed and framed.  

I crave minimalism.

When I was a (spoiled, selfish, short-sighted) little girl, there were so many times when my entire being cried out to the universe: "If I just had _________...!"  Now, the common thought is an easily drowned out groan:  "If I just got rid of _________...!"

• Things to do
• Debt (although 3,000 isn't too bad, I hate it and it makes me feel dirty)
• PMS
• Acne from PMS
• Anxiety from the things I wish I didn't have
• Laziness

The name of the game is now simplifying.  You'll see what I mean.

I don't want to fight with my hair, so I should get my split ends cut.
I don't want to wear full makeup every day, so I should be more aggressive with breakouts.
I don't want to be lazy, so I should push myself to do things.
I don't want anxiety, so I should stop procrastinating.

Life will be so much simpler when I break down the walls of the maze within my head.

Love.

It's coming...

Summer.  This will be the year I rock out the shorts, sun dresses, mini skirts, and tank tops.

My aversion to summer clothes is not just a fat thing... I have nice enough arms, but my shoulders get this patch of breakouts that I never properly battle.  This year, I'm launching a full-on assault with salicylic acid.  Hoo-rah.

And here's my motivation for this season:

I really need to get domestic before the boyfriend gets home from his twelve hour day at work and finds that I've done nothing, again.  

Manic depression's a frustrating mess.

Love.

April 14th:

I want my insides to feel like aspects of all of these things.  If I have uploaded something of yours, please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due.


Happy Birthday to my all-time favorite thinspo, Sarah Michelle Buffy.  I love the way she walks and talks an dresses and looks.  I feel more at home looking at her face than I ever could with mine.  I always have.  And maybe that's a part of this.  But that doesn't make it stop.  Well, the beer makes it stop, right now.  But the knowledge, I'm immune to it.

Excuse me while I romance my boyfriend.

Love.

Where to start:

Lewis Carroll once wrote a popular novel titled Through the Looking Glass.  That's all I can think about during these past few days.  I've plowed through the looking glass, to a place where I look the same on the outside, but I am by no means the same on the inside.  There has been a shift somewhere far deeper than organs and bones;  the part of my brain that makes me myself is trying to escape and leave me a cold shell.  I'm fighting to keep my identity near me, but it's like holding onto a struggling moth.

These past few days, I've forgotten how to be me.  Suddenly, I'm dating my much older manager and letting him (wanting him to!) do things that don't.... necessarily... bring me closer to God.  I'm still a virgin, but only barely.  And it's been three days.  How long before my willpower wears thin and snaps?

Not to mention, I have no clue if what we're doing is against the rules or not.  A tiny part of me hopes it is, because I have no clue how to get back to normal with him.  I am afraid to be myself.  And I'm afraid to say no.  And the games we play, well, they're fun, but they're unusual.

On the bright side, I'm at 125.  It's so strange to say that.  I said I'd stop here, but... why should I?  I feel like, when I eat more than one meal a day, people can SEE it on me, like I'm less extraordinary and superhuman with every bite I take.  I LOVE seeing bones where I didn't know bones existed.  And the other day, a lady at work wrapped her hands around my waist and said, "You're disappearing."  Oh, yes.

Pictures to come when... I hit 120.  :)

Love from E

Confession:

It's been a rough week for my diet.  I was doing so well (my friend told me if I lost any more weight, I'd look like a Bratz doll, and my size four pants have been hanging off of my hipbones), when my step-grandma died.  I am not experiencing exceptional emotional distress, but being around my family 24/7 is hard on me.  Not only is my mom observant of my eating habits, but when I'm with my 11-and-7-y.o. sisters, I am terrified of projecting a negative image about myself. My 11-year-old sister calls me skinny all of the time, and I'd hate for her to connect that with the fact that I eat less than she does.  Tomorrow, I'm starting a new, shiny, strict diet, and I intend to look fierce by December.

Must go wash my hair/paint my nails/do some laundry.

Thinspo Thursday:

Enclosed are some pictures of my face/fashion doppelganger, Rumi Neely.  Enjoy:

[[[source]]]

I love wearing lots of oversized layers on top, with slim fitting bottoms.  And several people have told me I look like her.  I would die if I could make my outfits look as effortlessly cool.

That's all.  Hope someone finds these useful!

Have some pictures. I know I'm a baby cow. Please don't tell me so.

As you can see, I'm pretty nervous about showing my lard to the non-audience.  Well, maybe the embarrassment will motivate me to stop eating PANCAKES, for the love of all that matters.

Here.  Be kind.  Actually, don't be kind.  Be ruthless.  I need someone to tell me what those close to me won't.  Tear me apart.

I don't even have words.  

Beauty tip of the week:

There is often quite a bit of time between when I put on my makeup and when I get home.  I hate when my eye makeup feels the need to travel downward, or when my face makeup fades unevenly, leaving a cake-y texture.  There are a few steps I take to promote the longevity of my makeup:

1.  Always moisturize before foundation.  Not only is a good moisturizer the key to healthy skin, but moisturizer prevents foundation from looking blotchy or mask-like.  I'm a big fan of SPF as well, and Olay has some great daily moisturizers with SPF.  My favorite is this one.

2.  Invest in an eye primer if you intend to wear eye shadows.  I am a recent eye primer convert, but I wish I'd tried it earlier.  One swipe of this bad boy absorbs freakishly fast and is the difference between having to freshen up after about the 8-hour mark and not worrying about anything, even after a 16-hour day.

3. A little maintenance keeps you from looking sad, as well.  I keep blotting papers and an Evian facial water spray with me if I plan on being out for any amount of time.  The blotting papers combat t-zone shine, and the spritzer refreshes my makeup like nothing else.  If I'm stuck somewhere without blotting papers, I grab a toilet seat cover [not the front one, mind you!  EW.], tear off a piece, and blot away.  2-ply toilet paper split to one ply also works in a pinch.

These tips keep me fresh on those days that start at 7:30 and end around midnight, and keep me from having to obsess over reapplying my makeup.  Enjoy!

Sunday Confessions:

First and foremost:  The person who loved me the most was my grandmother.  I lived with her off and on until she died in 08.  I found myself deeply [DEEPLY] depressed for about 6 months [of course], and I clung irrationally to her things.  Everything we parted with felt like we were pushing her from right on the other side of this life to further and further away, like we were throwing away pieces of a broken vessel that would never again be whole, but still had most of its bits.  After a bit of non-soul searching [a camping trip with my then-boyfriend in the wilderness with tons of food, pot, and alcohol that resulted in a vivid dream in which my grandma told me, "I still love you, even though I am not here," and quoted Do You Realize??? by the Flaming Lips], I was able to not see her death as the single most defining tragedy in my life, and living my own life without archiving every fragment of hers.  However, there are still things that I can't give away:  two blouses she wore often and her glasses are still in my home, packed away.  I've never stumbled across the clothing of any dead relatives in the homes of my friends and family, but I don't know how to not keep them.  To get rid of them would make me unhappy, so to me they are worth keeping.

I want nachos.
Effing PMS.
Effing nachos.
Everything nacho-related is closed for the evening.
The hunger monster is once again thwarted.

Here, hunger monster.  Have a string cheese.  :)

In a word: Productive.

Today, I walked a 5k marathon for work with a couple of friends.  I enjoyed the opportunity to make a good impression with the district manager, burn some calories, and gain energy for the day.  My legs always seem to be in some sort of  pain, but I felt my body loosening up and responding well to the little bit of exercise in spite of itself.  The only downside was R, a coworker.  He has a deep need for attention that distracts and frustrates me.  Oh, and I ate 5 cherry tomatoes, one banana, one tangerine, and FIVE mini cheeseburgers.  Lard.

I devoted the afternoon to making a dent in my pig sty of a house.  I finished more than I'd ever anticipated I could do in 47 minutes.  Off to work to make lots of money [hopefully?]

[I know these posts are uninteresting.  On Sunday, my blog will be going in a new direction.  The un-audience can look forward to experiencing the things I've been brainstorming.]

This has proven to be difficult:

13 pounds lost.  11 pounds regained.  Dammit.  This gaining and losing is apparently bad for my skin's elasticity.  I need to shit or get off the pot.  And I also need to watch my cussing.  It's unbecoming, or something.

This is my first non-Pill PMS in 4 months.  I'm scared.  I already threw a half-empty diet coke bottle at the ex-bf's temple and told him to wreck his car and die.  I just need to get through this week so I can have Sunday afternoon and evening completely, blissfully, to myself.  Just two more, complete days of work to suffer through, to spend feeling inadequate and anxious.  Which reminds me:  I don't remember feeling so on the verge of an anxiety attack pre-Pill.  Holy cow I need to see a real GP, not the lovely ladies from Planned Parenthood.

I ate too much to share, and I did the same thing for the week and a half before today.  Why do you think I haven't been able to show my face here?  Now, I'm downing a Lipton diet green tea and fighting sleep for another few minutes.

My boss, who I thought had feelings for me, apparently did not.  I am unfazed.  This is God's will.  That grown man had no excuse for the things he said to me or the way he followed me around.  [Which reminds me:  am I the only person on the internets with an ED as well as a personal relationship with Jesus?  I attend church VERY regularly and read my bible/pray often.]

Next week, I promise to be more present.  To share more with the non-audience:  about beauty, fashion, thinspo, and life.  Tonight, I must sleep.

Day in Review: October 8th, 2010

Let's talk about food first:
For breakfast, my brother woke me with a call saying he was going to McDonald's before he came over and did I want anything while he was there?  A McGriddle [one of my all-time favorite fast food options; I probably won't be eating many of those with my new mindset], or some hash browns?  Even in my half awake stupor, I knew better:

One side salad with low fat vinaigrette- 15 calories for the salad + 40 calories for the dressing [so worth it: the dressings are delicious]
One snack sized fruit and yogurt parfait- 160 calories [hm.  maybe not the best choice, especially since it wasn't that tasty, either.  I'm going to rationalize and say that I needed the energy]

I got ready for work and returned a lip gloss because it was hideous.  On my way to work, I enjoyed a pack of almonds covered in salt and vinegar [250 calories, whew].

For dinner, I ate a skewer of grilled shrimp and a fifth of a biscuit [The biscuit piece was about 30 calories and the shrimp were about 85 calories].

My opportunities to do better lie in the almonds.  I could eat 2/3-1/2 of the packet for lunch, paired with maybe a glass of milk [calcium is lacking in my diet], then eat the other half over a salad or vegetables.

Anyway.  I worked for about 6 hours and spent the whole time walking quickly.  After work, I went to the grocery store and stocked my bare kitchen with some hunger-busting, wallet friendly foods.  For when the urge to binge hits, I have rice cakes, low fat flavorings, bananas, nectarines, mandarin oranges, and pickles.  I also grabbed wheat bread and peanut butter for breakfasts.  For now, this is easy.  Imagine how much easier it will be when the weight begins to melt off.

Stolen quotes are always... quotier?

Here are a few of my favorite quotes [for today, at least; when it comes to things like this, I can be so fickle!]:

An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist – but ordinary’s just not good enough today.


I will gasp with the breathlessness of being airborne.


Every time I have the opportunity to eat, I have the strength to refuse.

Here I am, once again.

Somehow, I always return to the cold thought processes of Pro-Ana.  It's the complete opposite of conventional comfort; there is no warm and fuzzy to be found in excessive amounts of water, analyzing every morsel of food within a 2 mile radius and thinking about every action in relation to how it will affect my waist size.  And yet, once the desire to be thinner is met with the motivation to get me to my UGW, I feel more thoroughly myself than I do at most any other time.  I feel more confident, more powerful.  I've been mentally probing around my own head, trying to remember how to get back here.  As it turns out, the best method is an Alice approach: you stumble in when you least expect it.

Height:  5'9"
HW: 152
LW:  134
CW: 137
GW1: 134

UGW:  125